After Mandy died my already florid mental health deteriorated even further. I was already on the highest doses of risperidone and mirtazapine I’d ever taken and I needed even more. The voices and hallucinations became cinematographic and “normal” functioning was almost impossible. During an episode I sometimes develop elaborate delusional belief systems which are more resistant to meds than the other symptoms. When the meds have seen them off I recognise them for what they are – false beliefs, but when I’m in their grip they’re as real as breathing.

This one started gradually, as they usually do. I was watching the news on TV when the newsreader called me by name and said “We’re watching you”. Then he continued reading the news as usual. Over the next few days more and more figures on TV spoke to me until it got to the point where every voice that came from the TV became directed at me personally, verbally attacking me, mocking me and telling me my every move was being watched. I had to switch it off eventually, which wasn’t easy as TV had become a lifeline, a window on the world that helped me deal with being alone. After a few days I tried switching it back on, but it was just as bad. In desperation I put a DVD on and I was amazed when I managed to watch an entire film without interruption. I tried another one and the same thing, no problem. It seemed that the problem was only with broadcast TV. Over the next few weeks I worked my way through my DVD collection until I ran out of things to watch. I began downloading films and TV shows with torrents, converting them and burning them to DVD – I bought spindles of 100 blank disks online. It was a slow process with my 8 Mbps broadband connection and converting and burning took time, but it kept me busy, which I needed. It took me nearly a week to acquire the entire collection of classic Doctor Who episodes. It gave my obsessive side something to focus on. I amassed an impressive pile of DVDs which gradually took over the living room.

I’d unwillingly upped my meds and they were starting to kick in, so after a while I tried watching broadcast TV again, and the delusion seemed to have evaporated, but it didn’t have the appeal it had before, so I switched back to DVDs, only watching ordinary TV for the news and occasional programmes. Now, faster broadband has made video streaming possible and my DVD collection has stopped growing. They still take up a lot of space in my living room and I haven’t got space to put them anywhere else. I rarely watch normal TV now, preferring streaming and IPTV. Sometimes the delusions return, but I’m ready for this one now.