After Mandy died my already florid mental health deteriorated even
further. I was already on the highest doses of risperidone and
mirtazapine I’d ever taken and I needed even more. The voices and
hallucinations became cinematographic and “normal” functioning was
almost impossible. During an episode I sometimes develop elaborate
delusional belief systems which are more resistant to meds than the
other symptoms. When the meds have seen them off I recognise them for
what they are – false beliefs, but when I’m in their grip they’re as
real as breathing.

This one started gradually, as they usually do. I was watching the news
on TV when the newsreader called me by name and said “We’re watching
you”. Then he continued reading the news as usual. Over the next few
days more and more figures on TV spoke to me until it got to the point
where every voice that came from the TV became directed at me
personally, verbally attacking me, mocking me and telling me my every
move was being watched. I had to switch it off eventually, which wasn’t
easy as TV had become a lifeline, a window on the world that helped me
deal with being alone. After a few days I tried switching it back on,
but it was just as bad. In desperation I put a DVD on and I was amazed
when I managed to watch an entire film without interruption. I tried
another one and the same thing, no problem. It seemed that the problem
was only with broadcast TV. Over the next few weeks I worked my way
through my DVD collection until I ran out of things to watch. I began
downloading films and TV shows with torrents, converting them and
burning them to DVD – I bought spindles of 100 blank disks online. It
was a slow process with my 8 Mbps broadband connection and converting
and burning took time, but it kept me busy, which I needed. It took me
nearly a week to acquire the entire collection of classic Doctor Who
episodes. It gave my obsessive side something to focus on. I amassed an
impressive pile of DVDs which gradually took over the living room.

I’d unwillingly upped my meds and they were starting to kick in, so
after a while I tried watching broadcast TV again, and the delusion
seemed to have evaporated, but it didn’t have the appeal it had before,
so I switched back to DVDs, only watching ordinary TV for the news and
occasional programmes. Now, faster broadband has made video streaming
possible and my DVD collection has stopped growing. They still take up a
lot of space in my living room and I haven’t got space to put them
anywhere else. I rarely watch normal TV now, preferring streaming and
IPTV. Sometimes the delusions return, but I’m ready for this one now.